Tamales

Dad has on his bandana
Mom has on her gloves
I’m standing in between wanting to
Get into the thick of it
Tia Irene takes up the rear
The raggle-taggle assembly line would no doubt impress
Henry Ford himself.
Dad smears masa onto the corn husks
And hands them off to mom
Who fills them carefully
With cheese and green chile or beef in red chile
Then folds them deftly
Mama’s Mexican origami--
Tia Irene swaddles each
In virgin white wax paper
Right out of the dark blue box
I stack each one and soon I have a fortress of tamales
Stacked and waiting to be steamed
Waiting to be savored
I drool a little after lifting the lid
Of the steamer.
Mama smacks my hand and reminds me
That these tamales are
Waiting to be sold.

Life.

I live my life in such a way that I try to share love...I try to love anyone I meet. I feel compassion and love daily. I try to be as understanding as possible. There are times when I can love and be loved. I love so deeply and purely--I cannot even begin to explain just how deeply...

The mere sight of someone suffering can send me reeling. The thought of someone being alone or in pain makes my soul ache. I see a homeless person and I weep. I see pictures of children in third world countries and wish I could just give every one of them a home, love, food, an education...everything they need. I read stories of heroism and sacrifice and again, I weep. When I worked for the Church, not a day went by where I didn't weep. I would weep for the women who came in hoping to get help paying a bill, help with food or diapers...or the elderly man coming in because he needed help to pay for his wife's heart medication...I'd see the light of hope in their eyes and I was desperate for a way to avoid snuffing out that light. There were days I succeeded, and days I failed. I couldn't be trusted to have my own cash on hand because I would have none at the end of a day--I likely gave it to a young mother to buy some formula for her newborn baby or to a man who needed a bit of gas just to make it to work the next day. I once used money I had set aside for my wedding to buy a tombstone...obviously it wasn't my own. I knew a wonderful gentleman who had died. His wife could not afford a headstone for him...she got the bill and just couldn't pay it. She had come in about a year or so after he died...and looked really down...I finally got the story out of her. She was too ashamed to tell anyone else. I wrote a check to the cemetery company right after she told me. I couldn't bear the thought of someone being buried without being remembered...what if it had been my David buried without a headstone...the very thought of it made me weep for hours. Father Andre once had to take me aside to lovingly scold me over lunch, because I loved so deeply and cared so much that it was affecting me emotionally and mentally. He said I had the "gift of tears." With that gift there is a responsibility to keep yourself in check, because you can get too carried away.

The thing is, I absolutely love humanity. I love humanity so much, in spite of itself. I try to look beyond the worst bits of humanity. I want to see the good, but sometimes, sometimes I can only see the bad.

I can carry love in my heart for just about every living creature, even the lowliest of criminals, but for a select few, I cannot feel anything in my heart except revulsion and anger. There are things I can accept and many things I can and will forgive and forget...but betrayal and manipulation are two I can never forgive. The worst part of this is feeling so conflicted. I don't want to hate anyone. I just cannot bring myself to do otherwise when it comes to certain people. It hurts, but something inside will not allow me to forgive or forget certain wrongs. These grudges, I’m afraid, I WILL carry forever and a day. I will not forgive anyone who maliciously uses others to get what they want. I will never forgive betrayal of trust or betrayal of love. I will never forgive manipulation and malice. I revile pettiness and shallowness. I loathe falseness. I hate that which is not borne of truth or love. This may not justify my feelings. This may make me, in the eyes of some, the smaller person. I don’t care. I will not be moved.

Perhaps this is the downside of loving too deeply. The opposite abyss is just as deep and infinitely darker. In my struggle is reflected humanity--at its best and its worst.

We are America.

American faces
millions of hues
shades of democracy
shades of hope

our dreams
and wishes
our collective voice
yearns to be heard
must be heard
and taken to heart.

We are America

too often we
have forgotten
ourselves
in dismissing our
brothers and sisters
as weak
or lazy

looking out for
number one
and in so doing
have undermined
all we
once held dear
all the while
seeming to
unravel

fighting
bickering
amongst ourselves
allowing
self imposed
divisions
to divide
us

Ghosts of
patriots
long dead
ancestors
honored
and revered
and ancestors
long forgotten
wail
cry out
for unity
justice
peace
liberty
mercy
dignity for those
at whom
we turn up our noses

we have forgotten
we are America

too easily forgotten
the single welfare mother
who could be my mother
or your mother
had circumstances
so wished
it to be so

she is your mother
your sister
your cousin
your wife
you?

serving self
has made us
fat
lazy
greedy
fearful
hateful
angry
self righteous
and
pretentious
hope fighters.

we have forgotten
where our salvation lies
where our freedoms lie
where our loyalties lie

we have forgotten
there is much work
to be done
hope can do much
but only so much

unity
and hard work
sweat
pride in
accomplishment
must pick up the
pieces
and be
hope's springboard.

Today
America sings
she speaks freely
again
for the gag
has been loosened.

the transformation begins
at the break of dawn
it begins here
in my heart
and in yours
it begins here
and grows
and flourishes
in us.

all of us.
we are
America.

My Fat Ass. Revisited.

I've had a rough go of it lately. I've ballooned up in weight. I'm feeling pretty low. I keep trying to remember that I'm healthier than I was a few years back, though my weight may not reflect that fact. Dealing with fertility issues and emotional crap isn't easy and yeah, all of it makes me want to reach for a bag of Munchees or a giant slice of cheesecake. I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I'm trying to remember that.

Ran across this poem this morning. I wrote it sometime last year...I think last June. Made me smile. So I'm posting it again.

My Fat Ass


I get stared at in stores

Little kids whisper and giggle when I pass

I can't fit into the clothes made for the whores

That laugh at my fat ass.


I walk into Borders or maybe, B&N

Diet books look at me mockingly and harrass-

Jeering and cursing, they mock the sin

That is my fat ass…


There are times I wish I was thinner

I run, I bike, I chug Slim Fast…

All in the pursuit of an ass that's a winner.

As hard as I work, sure enough, here remains my fat ass.


Skinny Minnies and Buff Muffies agree,

Somehow, I offend others with my incredible mass…

That the world would be better without me

Long before they get to know my fat ass.


You shallow jackasses have a lot of nerve.

I just have to shake my head and say--Alas,

I've had far more patience with you than you assholes deserve.

Frankly my dears, y'all can kiss my fat ass!

They Don't Always Bear Fruit.

A canopy of ivory blossoms
Cascade over my head
The fragrances of spring fill the air
I walk along the petal strewn path
Alone with my thoughts
Breathe in
Step
My worries overwhelm me
Step
Breathe out
Step
A woman passes by
Jogging along
Pushing a sports utility stroller.
Inside--a cherry cheeked infant
Sleeps Soundly
Lovingly tucked beneath a blanket.
Step
Step
Stare
I want to believe
It is impossible to be angry at God
Breathe in
While walking in the beauty
Step Step
He Has created
Breathe out
But jealousy bubbles up within me--
My bitterness like bile in my throat.
Tears fall
my pace quickens
Stepstepstepstep
I just want to get home
Step step
I just want to fall into bed
Breathebreathebreathe
I just want to cry out
Stop!
I look up at the canopy of white
And glimpse the patches of blue in the negative space
I cry.
Step
Slowly I turn and watch the woman jog down the road
Stroller ahead of her
Until I no longer see mother and child.
A blossom falls from heaven
Onto my head
I pull it out of my hair
And touch the silken petals
The anthers deposit pollen onto my finger
I drop the bloom onto the ground
Step
Step step
Breathe in
Breathe out
Stop
I look down and see
the flattened blossoms
paving the sidewalk
and feel empty
even more barren
than I did before.
Breathe in
Breathe out
I just want to go home.
I just want to fall into bed
I just want
Too much.
I want too much
I want more than my body
Can give.
Breathe in.
I just want to go home.
Away from the ivory blooms
Away from the mommies and strollers
Away from spring
Away from renewal
Away from reminders of
What could have been.
Step.
I think on it all on the way home.
Step.
Breathe in
People constantly tell me we have our
Step.
Crosses to bear
Breathe out
Enough.
I don’t want to hear it anymore.
Step.
Breathe in.
Home.

Wishing & Hoping...

I’ve hoped for the day
I’ve wished for the day
I would find the day
I could understand it all.

The closer I get
The faster it runs from me.

Together maybe we can stalk it.
Together maybe we can catch it.
Together maybe we can hold it.

Better.

I am no better than any other man;
I am a better person because of other people.

Each friendship
Each kindness
Each loving gesture
Each act of altruism
Each moment of compassion

teaches
my heart
directs
my vision
enriches
my soul
opens
my mind
deepens
my understanding
betters
my life

I am no better than any other man;
I am a better person because of other people.