A canopy of ivory blossoms
Cascade over my head
The fragrances of spring fill the air
I walk along the petal strewn path
Alone with my thoughts
Breathe in
Step
My worries overwhelm me
Step
Breathe out
Step
A woman passes by
Jogging along
Pushing a sports utility stroller.
Inside--a cherry cheeked infant
Sleeps Soundly
Lovingly tucked beneath a blanket.
Step
Step
Stare
I want to believe
It is impossible to be angry at God
Breathe in
While walking in the beauty
Step Step
He Has created
Breathe out
But jealousy bubbles up within me--
My bitterness like bile in my throat.
Tears fall
my pace quickens
Stepstepstepstep
I just want to get home
Step step
I just want to fall into bed
Breathebreathebreathe
I just want to cry out
Stop!
I look up at the canopy of white
And glimpse the patches of blue in the negative space
I cry.
Step
Slowly I turn and watch the woman jog down the road
Stroller ahead of her
Until I no longer see mother and child.
A blossom falls from heaven
Onto my head
I pull it out of my hair
And touch the silken petals
The anthers deposit pollen onto my finger
I drop the bloom onto the ground
Step
Step step
Breathe in
Breathe out
Stop
I look down and see
the flattened blossoms
paving the sidewalk
and feel empty
even more barren
than I did before.
Breathe in
Breathe out
I just want to go home.
I just want to fall into bed
I just want
Too much.
I want too much
I want more than my body
Can give.
Breathe in.
I just want to go home.
Away from the ivory blooms
Away from the mommies and strollers
Away from spring
Away from renewal
Away from reminders of
What could have been.
Step.
I think on it all on the way home.
Step.
Breathe in
People constantly tell me we have our
Step.
Crosses to bear
Breathe out
Enough.
I don’t want to hear it anymore.
Step.
Breathe in.
Home.
